Police are asking Wolfcry readers to help them catch a particularly
nasty criminal who has been impersonating a speedway rider for the
past 15 years. Detective Constable Wheelbarrow takes up the story:
are anxious to trace this person before he inflicts more pain and
suffering on the general public. The wanted man tricks his way into
speedway teams, despite having no riding ability at all. He then
tricks money out of well intentioned speedway supporters who fall
for his story of being a top speedway star. He seems to target the
elderly or those with an abnormally low IQ”.
spoke to one of the wanted mans earliest victims, Reggie Perrin
“Well it all happened so quickly. This curly haired youth
knocked on my door and claimed that he had accidentally kicked his
ball into my garden. Looking back on it I should have realised that
something was up, as I live in a 16th floor flat. Once he had riddled
his way into my flat he spotted my collection of speedway memorabilia.
He convinced me that he was a top speedway star and I signed him
for my team”.
asked Mr Perrin when he first began to suspect that he had been
“Everything seemed okay at first. He turned up to meetings
with all the right equipment, he even knew the names of some of
the opposition riders. It was when he started to ride that I first
suspected something was wrong. At first he explained that his low
scores were due to the change in the tyre regulations. Then he explained
that his engine tuner had measles and his dog had eaten his clutch.
All perfectly reasonable excuses. It was only when Andy Smith lapped
him that I suspected that something was wrong. I finally decided
to report the matter to the Police when I noticed that the grass
on the centre green had grown by 2 feet during one of his races.
By that time the season was over, he had scored 3 points and I had
given him 5 new bikes, 4 thousand pounds, 3 French vans, 2 pairs
of gloves and a partridge in a pear tree”.
spoke to Barry Smith a restaurant worker:
“Never heard of it. Do you want fries with your cheeseburger?”
retrospect the counter staff at our local McDonalds weren’t
the ideal people to ask about this matter, but I was hungry. However
we had more luck when we spoke to Eric Grimthorpe, a Bradford fan
who was conned out of good money by this so-called speedway rider.
“Eck as like, I remember it like it was only yesterday. He
was as useless as a homing pigeon to a Big Issue seller. You could
tell he was bad. He was so slow he had to carry a stick to beat
off the vultures. He was once attacked by a tortoise, which had
been following him for three days. I seem to remember that he drove
a van with the words, Paul Thorp International Speedway Rider, on
anyone has any information on this menace to society, please contact
us. Could you please note that Police have eliminated Paul Thorp
from this enquiry. He is a fine rider and Wolfcry intend to prove
this in a latter issue by calculating his Monmore Green average.
H. A. Weasly (April 1999)
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